I’ve been steam-rolled by my frustrations again. Some days I don’t even understand who I am as these things take hold of me. To ruminate is to think about something, to mull something over, to deliberate on. I have an unfortunate tendency to get caught in this cycle of thought, but what is far more debilitating is when it turns from rumination to obsession. To obsess is to be preoccupied or in thought of something continually, intrusively, and to a troubling extent. I have watched my apprehensions turn to obsession time and time again in my mind; always followed by disappointment in myself and my lack of control. I try to talk myself through it. Change your thought pattern, stop focusing on it! Talk about something else – anything else! Let it go. Get the fuck over it! And for a brief moment, it works! I’ve moved on – up and over and can go on living my life like all the other “normal” humans. A minute later I’m lost in the tension of whatever unsolvable problem I’ve been chiseling at. The most distracting of these dilemmas have their roots in principle. Especially when the principles (or lack thereof) of one or few negatively effect the majority in a confined situation. When it is glaringly obvious to all attending that there is a wrench in the works, and yet nothing is done to eradicate the problem(s). There are some principles of others that I am incapable of understanding and, apparently, accepting. Even in trying to understand all sides of the dice, I tend to lock onto whatever injustice I feel is being served and am then unable to get past it. I sincerely want to learn to move past these things and simply carry on, yet I also wonder if we need more blind eyes in a culture that doesn’t really see well in the first place. I haven’t the slightest clue when I will master my vexations, but I hope it’s soon; these pools of unease that I sit in after one of these whirlwinds are grimy and exhausting.
How do you keep your cool?